Volume 2, Issue 5

May 2000

Page 2

Steps to Take To Stay Married (4)
by Gary Grady

YOURSELF. Don't be afraid of counselors, ministers or other church leaders. The earlier they are used, the briefer and easier the task will be.
The key word at this point is Commitment.
A key Bible passage is Matthew 19:1-4.
RESOURCES CONSULTED:
Achieving the Impossible: Intimate Marriage, Charles Sell
Love Must Be Tough, James Dobson
The Mystery of Marriage, Mike Mason
The Pillar of Marriage, H. Norman Wright
The Secret of Staying, John Powell

Originally published as a tract by Arlington Church of Christ, 20 N. Irving St., Arlington, VA  22201.

******
A Mother Through the Eyes
Of an Eight-Year-Old Boy:

"A mother is a person who takes care of her kids and gets their meals  and, if she is not there when you get home from school, you wouldn't know how to get your meals, and you wouldn't feel like eating them anyhow."

Page 2

Steps to Take When
Problems Continue

First, understand that the strategy that worked for another couple may or may not work for you. One Christian man may exhibit unbelievable patience and forgiveness with his wife, and she may eventually discontinue her indiscretions, while another Christian wife may practice "tough love" and set specific expectations and limits for what she would tolerate by her husband, and he may choose to come back to the marriage. Both of these extremely different approaches have a common denominator (and  this  is  the  essential  ingredient)--commitment to the marriage.
The key need  here   is a   continued commitment to the marriage. If  both  spouses   remain   committed to the marriage ("I am married to you, so I will love you."), even deep problems can be worked through with hard work and professional help most of the time.
Here are  some  serious  warning signs that might be telling you that you need competent, professional help:
1. Complete communication

breakdown.
2. Attacks on each other's integrity. (Subtle or overt, private or public, verbal or non-verbal attacks on the sexuality, appearance, achievements, intentions or efforts of the other.)
3. Withdrawal. ("I'll take care of things myself and do my own thing," which produces "married singles.")
4.  Destruction of self-worth. (A self-evaluation. A despondent attitude which asks, "What is wrong with me? What did I do to get us into this mess?")
5. Continually looking for consolation. (Finding numerous people inside or outside the family to give support, help, love or affirmation. There is danger in having many counselors.)
6. Giving up.
7. Ambivalence. (Confusion in which you do not know what you want to do.)
Get some help. If your mate will go with you, great. If not, YOU go. Focus on yourself. You cannot change anyone except your

1