Volume 2, Issue 4

April 2000

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Steps to Take To Stay Married (3)
by Gary Grady

The Steps to Take When
Problems First Arise

The difference between happy and unhappy marriages is not that happy couples never fight, nor is it the topic about which they fight. The difference is in HOW they fight, How they HANDLE conflicts and problems. C.S. Lewis wrote that the only perfect marriages we see are the ones at a distance that we do not know much about. No marriage is invulnerable to conflict. Any couple that stands at their 50th wedding anniversary party and says they never had a fight is  either lying, has lost their memory, or has had an incredibly boring marriage. 42% of the people who come to counselors come for marital problems. Marital conflict is almost universal (including the marriages of Bible heroes like Abraham, Jacob, Job, Samson).
Problems can arise from:
1. Faulty communication (the               most common cause).
2. Defensive, self-centered attitudes.
3. Interpersonal tensions (sex, roles, religion, values, needs, money, in-laws, children, friends, boredom, etc.).

There are five ways to respond to conflict. I will list them from the worst to the best (least effective to most effective). Even though there may be a place for each of them at some point in a relationship, couples need to guard against the less-effective ways becoming the persistent pattern for them.
WITHDRAW -- Physically or emotionally; to try to act like it did not happen; the silent treatment. This does nothing to help the conflict, but it leaves your individual needs unmet and the marriage's needs unmet. Unmet needs eventually kill.
WIN -- To enter the conflict with the aim of getting your way. When there is a winner, there is a loser. You may get YOUR needs met, but you will be trampling on the needs of your mate and marriage.
YIELD -- to give in; to be a doormat; to always give up your rights and needs for the sake of the relationship or because you would rather not hassle about it.


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