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1. Mutually decide on an appropriate time -- when both can give their full emotional and physical energy to it; when strong emotions have subsided.
2. Define what the problem is -- make sure that both of you understand what it is you are really fighting about. Deal with only one problem per "session."
3. Define areas of agreement and disagreement -- make sure you spend your time and effort on the things you actually disagree on, after establishing where you agree.
4. Identify your OWN contribution to the problem. Focus on your, not your mate's contribution.
5. State positively what behaviors on your part would probably help -- express willingness to do them.
6. Risk asking your mate's opinion -- about specific behaviors he or she believes you can do that would help.
7. Listen to your mate's opinion.
8. Support and reinforce each other in your attempts at changed behavior.
In this process you need to watch your anger; you must speak directly and personally to your mate; you must be honest in your statements and questions; you must focus on your desired future expectations or positive changes (rather than what you DIDN'T like in the past); you must share your request in a statement of preference instead of need ("I would appreciate it if you would . . .", "It means a lot to me
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