February 2000


	Steps to Take To Stay Married (1) by Gary Grady


	and submission must be learned and understood (not what some Say the Bible says about the roles of men and women, but what the Bible actually DOES say). There is often a failure of spouses to evaluate their differences as being just that--only differences--not marks of inferiority. Before the wedding, couples benefit from pre-marital counseling to . . . 1. Assess their readiness for marriage. 2. Learn the Bible's teaching about marriage. 3. Self-evaluate. 4. Stimulate effective com-munication skills. 5. Anticipate and prepare for potential stress. 6. Identify assumptions each holds about marriage. 7. Work through areas of potential conflict. The key word at this point is Communication. A key Bible passage is Ephesians 5:21-33. --from the booklet, Steps to Take to Stay Married, by Gary Grady. Published by Arlington Church of Christ, Arlington, VA.
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	Steps to Take Before You Get Married Good marriages start with preparation before the wedding. A respected counselor told me that he believed 50% of the causes of divorce are brought in to the marriage by either one or both partners: personality traits, previous relationship scars, bad habits, lack of relationship skills, lack of spiritual appreciation, etc. In a very real way, what comes out of a marriage depends a lot on what is brought into it. Twenty percent of the divorces in this country occur before the second anniversary. That is evidence of inadequate preparation. Often, more thought is given to what college will be attended than the marriage one will enter. That is the reason that many churches require pre-marital counseling for every couple married by the staff. There are some good reasons for taking steps even before you get married: 1. Unrealistic expectations lead to disillusionment (which is part of the "failure equation"). Couples assume that they are unique and invulnerable; that their marriage will be filled with


	only bliss and will be pleasure-centered. The first two areas of the pre-marital counseling I do, deal with being idealistic and unrealistic about marriage. The plain realities of marriage need to be discussed so couples can realistically modify their expectations. The book, Mirages of Marriage says, "The first steps toward destruction result mostly from omissions, failures to bring the spouses' untested expectations into conformity with reality." 2. Personal immaturity leads to insensitivity and self-centeredness (other parts of the "failure equation"). Marriage is a relationship in which needs are met, but each mate must want to meet the needs of his or her mate. A spouse of twenty-six years told me, "If you want to do things your way, don't get married." 3. Changing roles lead to confusion. There is often a failure of the spouses to identify, determine, and mutually assign areas of competency and responsibility--who is in charge of what. The biblical ideas of headship and submission must be